since about half 11 tonight i have been crying hysterically. and i mean hysterically, the kind of crying that makes throw up and makes your whole body jerk as you gasp for air. it makes you feel like your drowning and once you've entered that zone its very difficult yo stop.
as this is my first post, i'll get you up to speed on my life at this moment in time.
this summer in july i graduated from a red brick university with a 2:2 in a media-ish degree. if im honest with myself its what i deserved. my dissertation was done a few weeks before it was due and i really didn't work in second year. i did however give at least 70% in my final term, so i thought i had done enough to secure that, all important 2:1. i was 2 marks off it. which means i got a 2:2. this revelation resulted in many many tears and i still get weepy thinking about it. i was extremely disappointed and pissed off at myself for being a lazy bitch and ruining my life. rightly or wrongly in my eyes a 2:2 is the same as a fail. it says to employers "yes i went to university, but no i couldn't get that 2:1". everyone and their significant other seems to get a 2:1
anyway, i spent the summer going on holidays, planning and then completing a month inter-rail round europe. the summer was absolutely perfect i spent every penny i had saved from working in a student nightclub and grew in confidence. a grey cloud followed my around europe. i had to go home and find a job. before going a month at home was full of friction. before i even moved back home my mum had a big discussion with me about how she 'knew' that me moving home would be a 'nightmare' and we wouldn't get on. it wasn't exactly encouraging and knowing that she was panicking about how shit life would be know that i'm home made me upset. as she predicted it was shit. constant nagging and snotty comments where the way forward.
it's hard to admit this right after tonight's big fight. but in general my parents are great, when things are good they are perfect, but at the moment its not good. i have always felt loved and they supported me through university, always given my things and recently my mum has been searching and applying for jobs which is nice and helpful. but i can't help but feel they very strongly dislike me.
i have a very part time job working at a hotel polishing glasses and working on the bar. its hard work. for 7 hours i work without a break carrying crates on glasses, mopping floors, polishing 100s of knives and forks and being treated like a slave. oh and i don't even make minimum wage.
so thats me, an miserable unemployed graduate with no hope. i'm feeling sorry for myself. i feel i have a lot to feel sorry about. my home friends are still in university, and my uni friends are all coupled up with proper graduate jobs and 2:1s. whilst i work 20hours a week bring a slave.
back to the hysterical crying.
i worked friday, saturday and sunday night. friday was absolutely shite as i polished 1000s of knives, forks and spoons by myself in a room. the only rest bite was to collect glasses. saturday was good i was on the bar (yay) but then the love of life was at the event with his significant other and i wanted to die. (i'll tell you about that person on a day i'm more emotionally stable). sunday was the same old crap. each night i finished after 2am. wasted weekend.
so on monday i just wanted to do f all. but if i had known that would create ww3 and cause the crying i would of resisted. my dad yelled about how going on my interrail has caused my to have this unemployment and shitty job. called my a spoilt brat and insisted i spend from 7-5 tomorrow getting myself a job. they both screamed that i'm pathetic and feeling sorry for myself and that i can control my feelings and should have some persecutive. all of that made my feel rather upset as i think i should be allowed to feel sorry for myself. i've applied for about 20 jobs and several internships and haven't heard anything. i got rejected from asda. i see myself as unemployable. therefore im feeling a little down and don't see many positives in my life
i hate life atm. i really do. but i'm aware that this is very long so i will give you more info tomorrow. i've finally finished crying though and its only 2.30. yay go me! this blog is good therapy
